I have this feeling, yang menggebu-gebu dan memaksa untuk dikeluarkan sebagaimana biasanya. But at this time I consider all the limitation I have then I choose not to let it out.
Yes, that was me along 2019 and yes, that's also the answer why my 2019 posts sounds miserable, nggak dari hati, dan meaningless. I'm struggling dealing with my life.
But not today as BTS said.
Gue rasa 2020 menjadi acuan awal untuk gue bangkit lagi. Mengesampingkan seluruh alasan-alasan yang mengorbankan hati dan ide-ide yang ada di otak. Sungguh betapa nggak adilnya gue dengan diri gue di 2019.
2019 sangat menorehkan rasa di hati, terlalu banyak perasaan yang nggak dijabarkan atau (lagi-lagi) memilih untuk enggan menjabarkan dan membiarkan begitu saja. Nggak itu nggak boleh terjadi lagi.
Dosa terbesar gue di tahun 2019 adalah mempertanyakan makna orang-orang di hidup gue. Gue melihat sekitar dan seperti menemukan diri gue sendiri, tidak berkawan. Dengan beraninya gue mengungkapkan kegelisahan ini kepada 2 orang yang nyatanya selalu ada buat gue, kenalkan, Mentari dan Dinko.
Berjam-jam keduanya melawan ego gue, meluruskan apa yang harusnya gue lihat, menyadarkan gue bahwa pada kenyataannya gue nggak pernah sendiri. Dengan tenang, mengerti, dan menguatkan pandangan mereka. Seakan berbicara sama seseorang berkepala batu, dikirimnya api untuk mencoba meleburkan batu tersebut (eh batu tuh bisa melebur kan ya? Please kita anggep iya kali ini).
Ketika banyaknya tekanan dalam kerjaan, gue benar-benar masih sempat memikirkan ini. Memikirkan "siapa sih temen dekat gue tuh sebenernya?". Sementara orang-orang ini yang justru dateng tanpa diminta dan tanpa mikir dua kali. Kalimat-kalimat mereka menyadarkan gue how crazy I'm menggebu-gebu komplain akan suatu hal yang sebenernya ada di depan mata.
I have lost my self. The selfishness, and all the exhausted things comes to one, I lost my self-control.
Then, it comes a day. Bahkan sekarang gue sudah tidak ingat pagi atau malam. Gue sadar bahwa jangankan Mentari dan Dinko, ada pula beberapa teman-teman terdekat yang benar-benar menaruh gue di tempat penting dalam hidupnya sebut saja Charles dan Jojo - kedua laki-laki yang benar-benar nggak bisa diungkapkan seberapa berartinya untuk gue.
And now, today. I received this sweet letter sent from my verrrry best friend, Mentari Rania.
It's her and it's always her who accompany me through the dark and light. Most importantly, for this blog.
Dia yang selalu ingetin gue dan mengkritisi apapun tentang blog ini agar gue bener-bener bisa maju lagi.
Dia yang sangat sensitif terhadap apa yang terjadi di hidup gue.
Our friendship is so weird, I knew it since the very first time.
I cannot explain what kind of weird is it but we're not that sweet-kind of best friend, however we (or at least she) knows every struggles I had. She literally can popped up every time out of nowehere.
Hal menyenangkan lainnya adalah kami sama-sama memiliki satu perspektif untuk melihat sesuatu nggak semata-mata duniawi - which I believe hard to get in the society nowadays.
Email always been our favorite communication channel. And now, just when I'm so done with my work thing, she suddenly came up with her sweetest message - as always.
I can't write her better other than creating a dedicate post for her, here.
I know that Mentari knows I'm going to write about her sometimes.
And I know you read it now, too
I'm sorry it took sometimes for me to write you a single post, because maybe lately I haven't write a post with heart - which you don't deserve.
I'm sorry for my sin validating our friendship.
I can say that I cannot close 2019 properly without your fully support.
You know that there's a reason why your name is Mentari and no one fits with their name better than you.
Please don't stop to shine brighter, let yourself drown to peoples' life and guide their life better - like you always do.
Most importantly, thank you for being my friend, and my motivation to always write with heart.
Ugh, cheesy banget nggak sih?
Well, I guess not everyone have 'your' kind of partner in life, and I'm so grateful sharing my life with you.
I wish you have a prosperity and wellness in the upcoming yet surprising 2020.
Thank you for always surprised me with your own way, you relatives and partner in life must be lucky to have you around! 🖤
Let's make 2020 bigger and better.
I also wish everyone have their best of time and best of life in 2020.
More trust, love, dedication, and happiness! Because life is so dull without a pure heart that choose its own happiness.
and, yes for more writings with heart!
Salam Hombimba,
Grey.