It's pretty late here in Tangerang.
Reading all those blog posts I have posted got me thinking a lot, sometimes it made me smile - a proud smile, sometimes it made me frown as well - how time flies and now I don't have so much time to write anything.
Life's been pretty hard, lately. Glad that I always know where my home is to put it all down.
I wouldn't say it was hard because of all those quarter-life bullshit, nor how sucks to be growing up.
It's getting hard because I'm starting to lose control of myself.
Growing up surrounding unstable people drives me to always get myself ready to make sure everything runs well, to avoid trouble, to avoid any hassle, to avoid high temperatures.
And here I am, I have full responsibility as the middle-man. In charge to ensure everyone gets the feeling they wanted to have.
At work, at home, and at every stage of my step.
I'm trying to be a colleague, a friend, a child, a best friend they can rely on, they can trust with, they can be the best version of them, to be comfortable.
Even though, it might hurt me.
I thought it was okay, because I can always handle myself, they cannot.
But I forgot that I'm human too. I also need someone I can rely on, I can trust with, I can show the best version of me, or simply I'm comfortable with.
At the end of the day, I keep it. Exercising to handle it on my own.
People say we're responsible for our own happiness turned out it has never been like that, people always need someone to share something, to share their sadness until they can find their happiness, people need me.
Why is it so hard for me to consider that to myself? Why is it hard for me to accept, yes, maybe I don't have to always go back to my room, take a deep breath, and let the tears down all alone.
I become a different person with what I have in mind and what I did to people.
I got headaches a lot so heavy that I can't control them, I know it's not a disease, it's an emotion.
Why am I not trying to spill it out to my closest one? Maybe because they need me more because maybe they think I can handle it by myself because maybe they think I'm okay, or maybe because they don't care and didn't bother to ask.
It's not that I'm gonna reply anything if somebody asked, though.
Ironically, you will never find me able to answer "what is happiness to you?", because I will start tearing down. I will start to imagine people smiling, and thank me, and seeing my parents.
and it will stop, bring me back to where I stand gonna answer "if anyone surrounds me happy".
I think I might lie, or maybe I don't know, because that's when my head started to spin around..
It's so hurt in my head, in my heart, but I'm fully responsible for what I feel so I can't blame anyone.
I'm so thankful that I have faith, I can only rely on myself to Him.
Maybe I'm lost, maybe I'm losing control but I'm trying my best to stay alive.
Namjoon once said I wish in another universe, we're a happier human beings.
Yes, now, I can only hope that I wish my version in another universe would be a happier individual who confused enough to think why people tearing down with silly question like "what is happiness to you"
Love, me
xoxo